Esotericallyblogging

I had an epiphany months ago regarding something that has tortured me for my entire life. Love, but not only that, intense feelings surrounding abandonment that I have- in the past- allowed to consume me. Every day, I wake up and it hurts. My heart gets ripped open pretty much the moment I wake up and remember. And boy, do I remember almost everything. There are some gaps in the parts that involved heavy substances/overdoses/extreme alcohol abuse, but other than that, I remember absolutely everything that has happened in my entire life in crystalline detail so pure and sharp that shining a light on it burns my entire being down like an unattended crystal ball in the sun. However, the thing I realized: the sun is still there and it’s inside of me.  

I do not need to be ruled by my condition. In all its terrible symptoms, I have a net positive, and it is my ability to adapt. One of the ways in which I have learned to adapt with borderline personality disorder, in regard to this intense fear of abandonment- the fear of becoming a discarded item that no longer serves a purpose to someone- one way I have learned to circumvent this is by becoming indiscardable. If I am a source of love, ever pouring outside of myself and expecting little to nothing in return, and I have subjected myself to these sort of atypical relationships where no one is “dedicated” to the other in a traditional sense, then how can I be “thrown away”? The feeling of being “thrown away” comes from inside me, I am not actually an object that can be discarded- I logically have known this for a very long time, but it is only recently I have figured out how to fully internalize this fact. I cannot be thrown away, ever; they merely left. I am always here, and I know that I am always here, so someone else must exist who must also always be there. I know that the type of love that I feel (the deep-cutting kind of love where not a minute little action or word or lack thereof goes unnoticed by me) must exist in others because I am proof that it exists. Therefore, one day, that same love I have poured out into the world like a fountain will find its way back to me again. It will come as friends, family, lovers, even work. I have no other choice but to face the music: love exists whether anyone likes it or not, so I will become a purveyor of it so that no one can forget it.  

So, I am here. I am always here. You can stray and come back, and I will still be a little glowing beacon or little yellow square of light in a cold blue building you can go inside of and find Home. I do not need anyone else to be fully dedicated to me because I am fully dedicated to me. By proxy, I am dedicated to everyone I love. If there is one thing I can guarantee in this world, it is that the love I pour out is in fact real and it will never stop. There is no expectation of anyone else to perform it for me or fully dedicate themself to me, so there is no pressure to return it. It is a gift. One would not give someone a gift and then expect something in return, right? It’s fine. I have finally become okay with being “home” for myself and others, even when there is no “home” for me. I have painstakingly built every wall so that it can withstand even the harshest conditions… if I can withstand the war-crime level abuse that I have and still be open and gentle with others, surely anyone can learn to be the same way.  

I can only hope that those who are closest to me know that there is nothing inside of them that is so dark that I cannot transmute it into Light. Remember…the sun is inside of me. It is up to you if you want to embrace it or hide.